Many survivors talk about their experience with people in their lives, including friends, family, partners, teachers, coworkers, and supervisors. How we respond to a survivor sharing their experience can impact our relationship with them, as well as potentially influence whether they decide to share with others or seek help from a professional. It can be hard to know what to say when someone tells us they’ve experienced interpersonal violence because we understand how hard that can be and don’t want to say the wrong thing. The SHARPP Center created the information below to provide some general strategies and examples of language to use when talking to survivors in your life. Remember, the SHARPP Center is also available to those who are supporting survivors. Please contact us if you have more questions about how to support the survivors in your life.
Believe them
Often, one reason survivors choose not to share their experience is because they fear they won't be believed, or that they may even be blamed for what happened to them. When someone in your life tells you they experienced interpersonal violence, start by believing them. People rarely lie about or make up their experiences of violence. It is not your role to decide whether their experience was or was not assault or abuse, or to get all the details about what happened. Your role in those moments is to support and listen to the survivor. If survivors are met with doubt, dismissal, or questions about what happened, that tells the survivor we don’t believe them and can reinforce any feelings of self-doubt or guilt they may already be experiencing. Many times survivors are harmed by someone they know, and it may be someone in our community who you know as well. It is important to remember that we may have had a very different experience with this person than the survivor did, and that is okay. That doesn't meant that this person is not capable of causing harm - even if they were friendly and respectful to us. It is important not to deny or doubt the survivor's experience based on our own impressions of the person who harmed them. While it may sound simple, it is important to tell survivors that we believe them instead of assuming they know our feelings or intent. We cannot change what happened to them, but we can give them space to talk about their experience and their feelings free from judgment. What this can sound like:
- “I’m so sorry that happened to you, it wasn’t your fault.”
- “I believe you.”
Find ways to give them choice
There is no one “right” way to respond to interpersonal violence. Every person deserves to make the decisions that are the best for them, prioritizing their own needs and to be supported in making those choices. Often, experiencing interpersonal violence means that survivors have experienced a significant loss of control and agency. Because of this, it is critical to find opportunities to give them control of their life and their actions. When we hear that someone in our lives has been harmed, we can want to “fix” or help what happened by telling them they must go to the hospital, call the police, or something else. Taking the time to ask what they need lets them know that you recognize the importance of them making the choices that are best for them. Realize that "legal justice" and "emotional healing" are two different things; for many survivors, legal justice is not the primary goal. When someone shares that they have experienced interpersonal violence, avoid telling them what to do or offering your opinion. Instead, ask open-ended questions about what they want or need in that moment.
- “Thank you for trusting me with that information. What do you need right now?”
- “How can I be helpful in this moment?”
- “Are you interested in talking to a professional about this? If you want, we can walk to the SHARPP Center together.”
- Letting them decide who and when to share their story with. Not telling others what happened to them without their permission.
Continue to offer support
How you respond in the moment someone when shares their experience with you is important, and it is also critical to be mindful of how you are continuing to support them after that initial conversation. There is no set timeframe for when someone will be healed or recovered after they experience interpersonal violence. If someone experienced violence 6 months—or even many years—ago, it may still affect them, and they may need support. If they’ve shared their experience with you, it is likely because they see you as a safe and trusted person. It is important to continue to offer them support beyond that first conversation, and remember that while this may affect them, they are more than what happened to them.
- Avoid saying things like they should be “over it by now”, or asking how long they’ll feel that way.
- Check in with them periodically, ask how you can be helpful moving forward.
- Familiarize yourself with the resources in their community, including the SHARPP Center, so you can provide them with this information if they want it at any time.
- “I’m here to talk about this whenever you want, but I don’t want you to feel like that’s all we have to talk about.”
Educate and Take care of yourself
Learning that someone you care about has experienced violence can be hard to manage. It is okay to recognize that you are also impacted by hearing their story. In order to continue to be there to support them it is important to take care of your own needs. It can be helpful for you, and for the survivor in your life, to take the time to educate yourself on the dynamics of interpersonal violence and common survivor needs. This can help you feel more prepared in supporting them, and can help you provide meaningful support. However, while you are there to support them, no one can be a survivor’s only support, and it is important to honor your own capacity. It is okay to not be available all of the time and to have boundaries regarding when, how, and what type of support you can offer.
- Reach out to your own supports, including friends, family, partners, therapists, or others.
- Connect with the SHARPP Center or other community resources to talk about how you are impacted by learning this information and how to help.
- Engage in activities that bring you joy.
